By Vicky Stojanovska
WORRIES ABOUT DATING
Getting to know someone is part of the fun of dating, but when you’ve experienced previous hurt, such as a divorce, it can become a case of “once bitten, twice shy.”
“I felt a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable,” says Stacy, a 45-year-old paediatrician divorced for eight years. “I’ve gone for drinks with men and it was nice but seemed all new to me as well, especially after having been married for 15 years.”
Stacy feels that her priorities are her two adult children and her full-time, demanding career. “I have been doing that for years now – raising my kids and working long hours to make sure they have everything they want and the best education. I guess I’ve put my own wants and needs – romantically – on the back burner.”
Sally, a 47-year-old teacher and mother of three adult children, agrees. “For me it’s work and home. If I’m not dropping off the kids at work or college, or going to work myself, I’m home with the housework. I don’t get much time to myself really.”
The Dating Goddess, who blogs at datinggoddess.com and has written 13 books in the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series, explains: “People over 40 tend to have comfortable routines and they are less likely to try new things or their lives are already full. You have to psych yourself up to register for a class, visit a different church, or go to a singles outing. If you have trouble, pair up with another single pal to attend new things together.”
Since her 20-year marriage broke down two years ago, Sally has had to pick up and move on as a newly single person. “It feels odd at times. Although my (then) husband and I barely saw each other when we were married, it still took me a while to adjust to being alone after two decades.”
Both women feel that a lot has changed from dating in the mid ’80s. “There are big, massive differences,” says Stacy. “It’s because now, you think differently than you did back then, and you have some fear.”
“It’s also an issue of trust. I had to learn to trust a man again,” says Sally.
Both Stacy and Sally’s children actively encourage their mothers to go on dates and want to see them happy in love. Both women want that for themselves too, but know that they are living in a different dating world. “I do believe there may be love out there again for me, but I have my reservations,” says Stacy.
Bill McIntyre, who runs onthesceneagain.com and has written the e-book Recoupling: Demystifying Dating for Over 40s, suggests to “try making a list of all the things you liked and disliked in past relationships, look at where you want to go (your goals) and describe the person and their traits that would be a positive companion for the journey.”
Some have stayed single to avoid divorce, including 40-year-old Jonathan, a marketing manager who has never been married. Despite several long term relationships, he says that the reason none of them led to the altar was due to the impact of his parents’ divorce when he was nine years old. “I don’t want the same thing to happen to me. Add to that the fact that I work about 60 hours a week, which leaves me little time for meeting new people, and in a marriage situation wouldn’t leave much time to be at home with a wife and kids,” he says. And Jeff certainly isn’t alone in his views. Carl Weisman, author of So Why Have You Never Been Married: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn’t Wed, found in his survey of 1533 never-married men over 40 that a small percentage witnessed a bad divorce or marriage and have been scared off so it wouldn’t happen to them.
However, the survey also revealed that 48% of the men said they were still single because they simply hadn’t found the right woman yet. “Everybody is looking for the perfect person, the perfect ‘gift’, but they need to understand, especially as they get older, that perfect gift may come wrapped differently than they had anticipated and they need to have the courage to open it, or it may be gone forever,” says Weisman.
Those who have lost their life partner through death face a unique set of challenges. Widows and widowers are often apprehensive of dating again. Some feel they are betraying their deceased spouse, some feel as they are not ready just yet, and some feel pressure from family not to date. Others, like Michael, 49, an accountant, miss the companionship and have decided to give dating a go. Having lost his wife to cancer three years ago, Michael began dating five months ago. “I do like dating, but I think there are people who don’t think about the loss and the pain that widowers or widows go through, and I feel it everyday. It doesn’t mean I’m not ready for dating yet, it just means that our pain is different from divorce, for example.”
MEETING NEW PEOPLE
Aside from busy careers, children, family commitments, and fear, there are other reasons why the forty-something woman may have trouble finding Mr. Right. According to Gloria MacDonald and Thelma Beam, co-authors of Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40, women face a shortage of men when they reach their 40s. “At ages 40 to 49, there are 12 single women for every 10 single men,” says MacDonald. And the odds decrease with every decade thereafter. “So mature women who want to start dating again will find that they have to compete for mates.”
MacDonald adds that many women who have a list of traits they want in a man usually end up eliminating a large chunk of potential mates. “How about a man who is fit and slim? That would rule out about three-quarters of men over 40.”
Alternatively, perhaps in a response to a shortage of similarly-aged men (or simply to try something different), many forty-something women have gone the route of the “cougar.” Famously, Demi Moore, at age 43, married Ashton Kutcher, then 27. But this is not restricted to celebrities: there are online forums and dating websites devoted entirely to women seeking younger men for anything from a casual fling to relationships and marriage. A survey conducted in 2009 by the dating website cougared.com found that more than half (52%) of their members are in their 40s. Additionally, 76% of respondents are divorced or separated, 15% have never been married, and 5% are widowed. Interestingly, the survey also found that 90% of respondents were interested in a long-term relationship. This debunks the popular myth that “cougars” are only interested in younger men for sex.
Whatever the reason you’re on the dating scene – friendship, sex, a relationship, or marriage – it works best to be true to yourself and ask yourself what you really want. McIntyre adds, “Look at yourself when you are happy with you and I can guarantee that you will feel stronger and in a more powerful position to engage with dating.”
MacDonald also recommends trying as many dating avenues as possible. “I recommend people use a couple of online dating sites, try speed dating, use a dating service, tell friends and family members you’re interested in meeting people, join activities and interest groups where single people will be. Do everything you can to get out there and meet people and enjoy yourself in the process.”
MORE READING
Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40 is available at www.lawsofthejungledating.com or www.amazon.com.
So Why Have You Never Been Married: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn’t Wed is available at www.amazon.com. Further information at www.whynevermarried.com.
Recoupling: Demystifying Dating for Over 40s is available at www.onthesceneagain.com.
The Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series is available at www.datinggoddess.com.
CONVERSATION STARTERS
Nervous and can’t think about what to talk about on the first date? Bill McIntyre suggests using a formula he calls FORM if you get stuck for conversation:
Family – Ask about family. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Are your family from around here?
Occupation – What do you do? Have you been doing it long? Do you enjoy it? Where do you want it to take you?
Recreation – What do you do for fun?
Money – What would you do if you had all the money you needed?
7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL DATERS
- Open-mindedness. Is your mind open enough to see the possibilities of love coming from a source and/or in a manner that you might not have expected?
- Belief in the possibility. Do you believe you truly can have a sustainable happy, fulfilling, loving relationship?
- Suspending judgment. Do you jump to conclusions about someone you meet within the first 30-60 seconds, or do you give them, and really yourself, a chance?
- Honouring. Mission first, team second, individual third. Do you honour your mission (goal) enough not to give up? Do you honour your team (the person you just met for a drink)? And do you honour yourself enough to really believe that you’re worthy of being loved?
- Enjoyment and celebration. Can you find something to enjoy and celebrate in every situation, even if you’ve been rejected or had a bad blind date?
- Patience. Are you patient with yourself? Will you allow the dating process to take its course and not give up if you’re a bit discouraged?
- Acceptance. Are you ready, willing and able to accept love in all the ways it’s given, from the smallest compliment, kind word, or cup of coffee, to a full-blown love affair?
For more information on the 7 Attitudes of Highly Successful Daters, see www.perfectpartnerstraining.com.
DATING AFTER YOU’VE BEEN WIDOWED
- There’s no set time to grieve. For some, the grieving process takes months; for others it takes years. Wait until you’re emotionally ready to date before dating again.
- Date for the right reasons. Dating someone won’t fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse. Make sure you’re looking for love instead of trying to heal a broken heart.
- After years with your spouse, forming a new relationship can be tricky. Take things slow so that you can make room in your heart for a new person.
“Everyone is looking for the perfect person, the perfect ‘gift’, but one needs the courage to open it.”