What he wants you to know (but is hesitant to tell you)
By Dr. Awkward
Men are from Earth, Women are from… Earth!
A look at how men and women are more alike than you may think, and some things he wants you to know but doesn’t want to be the one to tell you.
There are some things about us men that we really do want women to know, but just don’t want to tell them. This is especially the case with relationships. Not all of the issues I’ve listed here will apply to everyone, but even if one or a few of them do, not all hope is lost. Whether you believe you have a good relationship or not, hopefully this article will help open the lines of communication between men and women.
After casually asking some friends (male and female, gay and straight), I came up with the following list of things we want to tell you but perhaps don’t quite know how to broach the subject:
1. Even though there is a misconception that we just want to go for the glory, guys are into foreplay also.
Why not tell you? We would prefer to show you; it’s really an awkward thing to bring up in the early stages of dating, before sex has come into play. It would be a somewhat strange conversation to have, and even if it were not uttered as a bad pick up line, I can’t see how it would be perceived any other way.
Even in a more established relationship, it never really gets said, and it should be. So while you’re thinking that we are merely perfunctorily performing foreplay, in reality we enjoy it and we get off on it!
2. You’re just as sexy in pyjamas as you are in lingerie.
Why not tell you? As the visual creatures we are, we’re expected to be totally into lingerie and nothing else (well, aside from actually nothing else). We fear being looked at as sexually deficient if we are not always into the lacy, frilly numbers or the leather/rubber outfits, so we tend not to divulge that we are more than just fine with you in PJs. Another reason we keep quiet on our like for pyjamas is that we don’t want to encourage sloppiness. That sounds awful of me to say, but hear me out- for the record, a female friend used the term ‘slobbing it up’!
In talking about this with a female friend, I learnt that if her partner told her he doesn’t mind her in pyjamas sometimes, she may be tempted to always wear them. In honesty, we do like the sexy lingerie pieces… sometimes.
3. We use self-deprecating humour to deflect insecurities, not just to be smart asses.
When it comes to our deficiencies (real or perceived), we can either accept and deal with them, knowing that we’re only human and we’re not perfect, or we can use humour to be silly about our shortcomings, even by exaggerating them. This use of absurdity makes it seem (if only to ourselves) that since it’s so extreme, it mustn’t be at all the case.
4. When it comes to your make-up, less is more.
You have likely heard, ‘You look nice without make-up’. It’s true! When we tell you this, we really mean it. Seriously, you’re way better looking than you have been led to believe by the cosmetics industry and pop culture!
Why not tell you this? We don’t want to insult you or undermine your system, your routine, and your knowledge of yourself. So, while we will tell you that you look fine without it, we will not go as far as to tell you to not wear make-up. It is, after all, your choice. But just know we think you look great even without too much of it.
5. We get teary-eyed at movies.
Why not tell you? Maybe it’s to do with our subconscious macho image we try to uphold? I use a question mark here because I am not sure why we do. Even those of us who consider ourselves enlightened and open (which I’d say is a great deal of us) find that we’ll almost always hide these displays of emotion from others.
I was recently watching ‘Moonstruck’ (starring Cher and Nicholas Cage) with a female friend – a friend with whom I am usually very open. I found myself concealing my tears at the scene with Ronny’s monologue about love (it really is moving – go rent it if you haven’t seen it).
Well, before my friend noticed my teariness, I made sure to fake a yawn to have a plausible explanation for my condition that was non-emotional. I did this without even thinking about it; I took evasive, covert action to conceal my emotions, all in the name of manliness! Why, I may never know, but now if you catch the men in your life yawning during emotional scenes, it might not be out of boredom!
6. We like cuddling just as much as you do.
It may sound off, but sometimes, one of the best things about sex is that it leads to cuddling! And again, the whole subconscious macho image thing comes into the equation of whether to tell you this or not. With physical touch, it seems as though we are merely rugged individualists who only touch as a means to an end (and our society expects this of us), but it’s not really the case. We enjoy touching and being touched, but ‘touchy-feely’ is a pejorative equated with wimpiness. Okay then, we’re actually a little wimpier than we let on; we do enjoy a good snuggle!
7. Our minds can tend to wander during sex.
It sometimes just happens (quotidian stresses and other things can come to mind), or we bring it on intentionally. We either think of mundane or even weird images in order to stave things off or, if we are having the opposite problem (and this happens more than we are willing to admit), we will think of kinkier things that we might never act out, such as sex with other people or group sex.
So why are we hesitant to share the details of our wandering minds? Well, would you prefer knowing that while we’re bumping and grinding, we are sometimes thinking of group sex or other stuff? Didn’t think so.
8. We’d like it if you pulled a Britney Spears sometimes, and went out on the town in a skirt sans knickers.
Well, at least a partial Britney Spears; ‘accidentally’ showing your junk to any paparazzo who may be lurking around is not really what we desire. We like the idea of easy access, even if we do not take advantage of that accessibility. It’s nice just to know something about you that others aren’t aware of at the time; it’s a sexy little secret rife with possibility.
Why not tell? We do not want to look like pervs! Seriously, we’re just afraid to broach such topics because it may come across that we’re just thinking about having sex with you in public... even though we are!
9. We do like blow jobs every time!
Now, this does not mean that we insist on them, and it is completely understood that logistics often will not be in our favour and things will not always ‘head’ in this direction. Sometimes spontaneity or fatigue trumps these kinds of things, and we’re okay with that. Also know that we are willing to return the favour every time; we believe in the law of reciprocity.
The reason we don’t tell you about our love of blow jobs is that we don’t want to come across as too demanding or to seem unfair. Even though we are often willing to ask for things, we don’t all the time. We don’t want to seem demanding and unreasonable because we really aren’t.
10. Keep some things to yourself!
By this we mean details about your past that we’re probably better off not knowing about, like how many guys you’ve slept with. We really don’t want to know every single thing you’ve done and how many people you have done it with. Some things are best left private.
11. Don’t ALWAYS be around.
While we do love your company and spending time with the woman in our life, we also want you to maintain your own life separate from ours. Activities and hobbies, time with friends- we like that you have a life outside of your life with us. After all, nobody likes having someone glued to their side 24/7!
12. We love compliments too.
As much as you ladies love to feel good and look good and be told so by your man, we enjoy being given compliments as well. And it isn’t just about our appearance; if we’ve done something that you’re happy with, let us know. It’s great for our confidence and lets us know we’re still as attractive to you as you are to us.
So as you can see, there really aren’t so many differences between the sexes, and all of these problems are surmountable. I hope that these mostly (if not completely) manufactured differences and problems of communication will break down with more open-mindedness and respect.